
n ili <[)|W i t»Trin~'fr~T"i~r' ~~..» .* T ^- 



mwmwmpw 



mwmmimmmw 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 



Shelf jC 5* 



UNITED STATES OF AMERICA. 



OUR 



H 



AND 



H 



H 



Social Observances. 

FOR LADIES AMD GENTLEMEN, 



BY HUDSON K ^LYVERTHEY, 

Author of Society or no Society in the Olcl World,' anil 
translator of numerous stories from the French. 



GRAND RAPIDS, MICHIGAN: 

CHUBB & REYNDER8, PUBLISHERS, 

1881. 



.Cs 



Entered according to act of Congress \n bhe year L880 by 

G. L. CHUBB, 
n the office of the Librarian of Congress, &t Washington. 



Va> Ik.kt. Prinler. Eagle Block. 
TO ^N!> RAPIDS. MICHIGAN. 



IP^0DII(M8N. 

Our aim has been while preparing the fol- 
lowing pages, to present rules for the con- 
duct of a person in all of his relations to 
society in as short and explicit a form as 
possible. In one respect it differs from most 
ethers, that is, it is designed for both ladies 
nnd gentlemen; the advantages of this plan 
will be evident. 

Beading alone will not tit a person for so- 
ciety, it requires experience to move easily, 
but it is not possible to move easily without 
u know! edge of the rules. 



oepapfis. 



CHAPTER I 
Politeness, 9. 

CHAPTER II. 
Introduction, 14. 

CHAPTER >IIl. 
Calling, 20. 

CHAPTER IV. 
Conversation, ..... 29. 

CHAPTER V. N 
Street, ..'....... 38. 

CHAPTER VI. 
Table Etiquette, 44 



Contents. 7 

CHAPTER VII. 
Evening parties and Balls, 56. 

CHAPTER VIII. 
Visiting, 66. 

CHAPTER IX. 
Personal Appearance, 69. 

CHAPTER X. 
Church Etiquette. 74. 

CHAPTER XI. 

Theatres, Etc., 77. 

CHAPTER XII. 
Letters, 81, 

CHAPTER XIII. 
General Hints, 89. 



CHAPTER I. 

P0MJPE]SEj5j5. 

ffipl N English lady of rank once gave a 
|llSj|| dinner party at which, among other 
guests was an elderly lady, also of rank who 
had not appeared in society for a great many 
years. During the period of her absence the 
rules of society changed very materially, 
and although she was most observant of 
them as they existed at her day, she was 
quite behind the times when in the company 
of her young hostess and her guests. When 
she took her tea she poured it from the cup 
into the saucer and drank it from that This 



LO. POLITENESS. 

obsolete maimer was quickly noticed by her 
observing hostess who, to put the elderly 
lady at ease, immediately poured her own 
tea into her saucer and drank it. The other 
guests at once took the hint and followed 
the example of their hostess, and drank 
theirs in the same way. This is an illustra- 
tion of true politeness. Had the hostess 
taken her tea in her accustomed manner, 
her honored guest would have been morti- 
fied and embarrassed at the error she had 
committed. 

Politeness is a polish and gentility of 
manner which primarially ment to please 
bus which iu its broader significance embod- 
ies the entire doctrine set forth in the Golden 
Kule. "And .as ye would that men should 
do unto you, do ye also unto them likewise." 
Extend the same courtesy to others that you 
would have them extend to you. To attain 
a polished manner, requires constant effort 
and close observation. A person may be po- 
lite, he may be careful oot to wound another's 
feelings, and may attribute materially to the 
enjoyment of those around him and still 
may make numerous mistakes in the rules 
of etiquette, Such a person will appear to 



POLITENESS. 11 

far better advantage, and will be respected 
far more by all than he who may have the 
most refined manners, but who is selfish and 
egotistic at heart. 

A person of uncouth manners may improve 
them by mingling with refined people, and 
closely observing the ways of the best society. 
In this regard it is not unlike a person en- 
deavoring to obtain a good knowledge of 
diction. 

Unlike other graces, good manners may 
be cultivated and perfected, and then they 
stand prized and admired by all. A pretty 
face and a stately form are gifts of nature, 
and all attempts to improve them will inva- 
riably be in vain. A strong intellectuality, 
the highest gift of nature, will stand tar below 
par if not accompanied by a pleasing man- 
ner. 

A pleasing smile, a kind word or a pleas- 
ant "good morning" may have more influ- 
ence in obtaining the good- will of another 
than any amount of attention. If this is so 
valuable, and ail must concede that it is, is 
it not worth cultivating? 

Cultivate a mild and gentle temperament. 
Harsh and boisterous actions are never in 



12 POLITENESS. 

keeping in good society, an interest in aged 
people and little children will always be 
appreciated. Sternness and resolution, are 
good qualities in business, but in the quiet 
of the fireside they are entirely out of place. 

Avoid affectation, let your actions be as 
natural as possible. 

Good and affable manners often play a 
conspicuous part in a persons successes, not 
only socially but in active business life. 
Many business men owe their success to 
personal popularity. 

Be truthful under ail circumstances. "Hon- 
esty is the best policy. " This is an adage 
that has stood from time immemorial, and 
is as true as it is old. A single lie or a dis- 
honest transaction will strip you of the con- 
fidence of your friends. It is not enough to 
always tell the truth, but be truthful and 
conscientious in all your transactions. Never 
deceive or prevaricate. It is as wrong to 
act a lie, as it is to tell one. 

Never speak familiarly of a person not 
present, especially if it is one whom you 
might be expected to regard as your superior. 
To be so familiar as to use the given name to 
such persons shows very ill breeding. 



POLITENESS. 13 

Treat every one politely on all occasions. 
The observance of this rule may save you 
much pain and trouble from oflending 
others by ill treatment. If a person is in- 
clined to be more familiar toward you than 
you like, do not cut him but instead embar- 
rass him by being very dignified and formal 
toward him. You thus keep him a friend, 
where if you had cut him he would be your 
enemy. 

Cultivate a dignified bearing, dignified so 
as to pronounce yourself above anything 
that is low and frivolous, but not so much 
that you will carry the air of haughtiness. 






CHAPTER II. 

VERY common mistake in etiquette 
j|K is performing introductions without 

permission. Etiquette is violated 
often er from performing too many introduc- 
tions than not enough. You may introduce 
gentlemen without obtaining consent if you 
think such an introduction would be agreea- 
ble to both, but you take great risk even in 
performing such an introduction. The best 
way and only sure way is to obtain the con- 
sent of both. Permission must always be 
obtained before performing introductions to 
Jadies. This is an important rule and must 
always be observed The only exceptio to 
this rule is in the case of a hostess. If you 



INTRODUCTIONS, 15 

happen to be the common acquaintance of 
two persons who meet upon the street it is 
not necessary or desirable to introduce them 
unless they are to be in each others company 
for some time, and when you know it will 
be agreeable to both. A gentleman has no 
right to refuse an introduction to a lady. 
Callers who chance to be at the same place 
at the same time of course must be intro- 
duced. 

The form of an introduction is not very 
material. It should be simple, a good form 
is as foiiows : — 

''Miss Field, allow me to introduce to you 
Mr. Roberts." 

Or, 

" Miss Field, Mr. Roberts; Miss Field, 
Mr. Roberts," or, "Miss Field allow we to in- 
troduce Mr. Roberts; Miss « Field, Mr. 
Roberts/ 7 

Introduce the inferior to the superior, as a 
lady to a gentleman. If it is between two 
ladies or two gentlemen the elder is re 
garded the superior. A lady is regarded 
the superior even if the gentleman be of 
higher rank and her name is consequently 
spoken first 



16 INTRODUCTIONS. 

Always give professional and other gentle- 
men of title their proper titles, as : — 

"Col Rood, allow me to introduce my 
friend, Mr. King." 

Or, 

"Dr. Knight my friend Mr. Wilson ; Dr. 
Knight, Mr. Wilson." The word "present" 
is sometimes used instead of introduce. 

Always be careful to pronounce the names 
clearly. It interrupts the smoothness for 
one to be obliged to ask a repetition of a 
name. If you do not understand a name do 
not hesitate to ask it again. 

u I beg your pardon but I did not under- 
stand the name," is a good form. "Excuse 
me" may be substituted for "I beg your 
pardon." 

Gentlemen shake hands with each other. 
A married lady may or may not shake hands 
with a gentleman. A young lady never 
shakes hands with a gentleman. 

Introductions performed for the purpose of 
dancing do not constitute an acquaintance 
unless the lady so wishes ; she may pass the 
gentleman on the street without bowing if 
she does not wish to continue the acquain- 
tance. 



INTRODUCTIONS. 17 

In introducing a person to several in a 
group it is only necessary to mention the 
person's name once. 

When a lady and a gentleman are intro- 
duced the gentleman should make the first 
remark, and in general the person intro- 
duced should lead in the conversation. 

It often facilitates conversation in intro- 
ducing two persons to mention where they 
are from, or something of one that will be 
interesting to the other. If one has been 
traveling it may be mentioned with effect. 

The former custom of ladies' courtesying 
is now out of fashion and is substituted by 
the more graceful and becoming bow. 

In traveling if a gentleman introduces him- 
self to a lady in a polite and respectful man- 
ner, she will treat him with the same re- 
spect that she would if he had had a formal 
introduction, but if he is impertinent she 
should pay him no attention whatever, and 
if he persists, he deserves a severe punish- 
ment. 

LETTERS OF INTRODUCTION. 

Remember that in giving a letter of intro- 
duction you take no small responsibility and 
that it places you under tonsiderable obli- 



18 INTBODUCTIONS. 

gation to the person to whom it is addressed, 
Great care should be taken not to give a per- 
son a letter of introduction to a friend ot 
yours unless you are well acquainted with 
him as it gives your indorsement to his ac- 
tions. 

Such letters should be short, concise and 
pay a compliment to the person introduced. 

Th© envelope should be left unsealed and 
addressed in the following form : 
Mr. Wm. Carter, 

No. - — Vine 8t., 
Introducing Cincinnati, 

Mr. O. W. Worden. O. 

It is not customary for a person havinga 
letter of introduction to deliver it in person, 
but he should send it with his card and city 
address. If he is to be in the city but a very 
short time he may write on the card the day 
he expects to leave. The person receiving 
this must give it prompt attention. If it is 
a gentleman he should call at once — the 
same day if possible— and give him as much 
attention as he chooses. It is considered a 
delicate compliment to invite him to dine. 
If it is a lady who receives the introducing 
letter she should answer it immediately. 



INTRODUCTIONS. 19 

Persons conversant with the rules of so- 
ciety never deliver a letter of introduction of 
a friendly nature, in person. There are 
several reasons for this It places you in a 
very undignified position and compels you 
to wait while the letter is being read. You 
compel the person to receive you whether he 
wishes to or not. 



CHAPTER III. 

CTHiIflNG. 

cg^gQ UB best manner of keeping up our 

iyi acquaintances Is by calling. 

*8sl8" A gentleman should call upon all 

of his friends, and a lady upon all of her lady 

friends, 

Call upon your hostess after a dinner, 
evening party, or other entertainment. 
Such calls should be brief and within two 
weeks after the event takes place. Call upon 
a relative or friend in affliction. If it is for 
the death of a friend you should call imme- 
diately and offer services, and afterward a 
call should be made. At such calls you can- 
not be too guarded in your conversation 



CALLING, 21 

At such a time a thoughtless remark may be 
the cause of a great deal of distress to the 
person upon whom you are calling. I once 
knew of a lady who called upon a lady friend 
who was bereaving the death of her husband, 
and remarked that it was fortunate that her 
husband left her comfortably situated. Such 
a remark is most out of place. It was prob- 
ably very little satisfaction to a lady to 
know that she is well provided for immedi- 
ately after the death of her husband. 

Call upon a friend who has lust returned 
from a long absence as from a trip. Neglect- 
ing such a call signifies that you do not v/ish 
to continue the acquaintance. If you are 
visiting a strange city a gentleman may 
call upon his friends and a lady upon her 
lady friends. Another and I think better, 
way is to send your card with your city ad- 
dress to your friends who should call at the 
earliest opportunity. The length of time 
you intend staying is also sometimes put on. 
A lady should ne^er call upon a gentleman 
except professionally or in a business capa- 
city. 

Calls should be made not earlier than 



22 CALLING. 

eleven in the morning or later than nine in 
the evening. 

Always avoid calling at meal times. 

In this country as most gentlemen are en- 
gaged in business during the day, ladies 
make their calls during the day and gentle- 
men in the evening, though they may be 
made in the afternoon. 

Some ladies have a day or days when they 
receive calls. They signify this by putting 
the day or days upon their cards. 

The reasons for this are obvious and the 
system is to be recommended 

A lady must return the first call of another 
lady, but if she does not wish to continue the 
acquaintance she need not return the second, 

If in making a call the servant answers 
your announcement you should ask for the 
ones you wish to see and send a card for 
each one. Turning over one corner of the 
card signifies that the caller wishes to see 
all. 

If one of the persons you wish to call upon 
answers your announcement you should go 
in and after being seated may ask for the 
others. If you ask for the others while at 
the door she will infer that you wish to see 
ihem and not herself. 



28 



At the first call it is better to wait to be 
seated, but on subsequent calls you may 
take a seat without, waiting to be asked. 

Young ladies rarely shake hands in re- 
ceiving callers though they may when they 
w r ish to bestow a very cordial welcome. 
Married ladies usually shake hands. 

Gentlemen leave their canes and umbrel- 
las in the hall, but the hat and gloves may 
be left there or taken into the drawing room 
where they should be left. If for any reason 
you have to lay them down do not lay them 
on the piano or table but on the floor. The 
overcoat should be left in the hall. 

A gentleman never takes a seat beside a 
lady on a sofa without first being asked to 
do so. 

Strangers meeting in a drawingroom may 
speak without the formality of an introduc- 
tion. 

A lady who receives a cali and is occupied 
at the time should send her servant to en- 
quire if a short delay would inconvenience 
her. It would be very rude to make a lady 
wait tor it may keep her from another en- 
gagement or otherwise inconvenience her. 

Always sit erect and avoid a lounging P°- 



24 CALLING. 

sition. A gentleman never spreads his legs 
or leans back in his chair. Never give any 
sign of weariness; if you wish to consult 
your watch make some excuse or say that 
you have another engagement or something 
of the kind, that your hostess will not think 
that she has not entertained you. 

Gentlemen always rise when ladies enter 
or leave the room even if they are strangers. 

When a lady has several calls to make she 
should take care to pay to each equal at- 
tention. 

Avoid all loud and boisterous actions. A 
caller may with perfect propriety ask his 
hostess to sing or play if she is skilled in 
those branches, A lady should consider it a 
compliment and not wait to be urged but 
should consent at once. It is better not to 
urge a lady to play for she may have a spe- 
cial reason for not wishing to. If she refuses 
once she should not consent afterwards. 

If while you are calling other callers come 
do not leave immediately but wait a few 
minutes and then leave. To go too soon 
signifies that their company is not agreeable 
to you, and to attempt to "sit out" another 
is equally rude 



CALLING. 25 

Never drum with the ringers or keep time 
to music by thumping with the feet. 

A caller may notice drawing room orna- 
ments, but he should not handle them un- 
less asked by the hostess. Pictures should 
never be touched. 

Formal calls should be very brief, and 
a friendly call should not last longer than 
ten o'clock. 

It is no easy matter to make a graceful 
exit from a drawing room and is only ac-. 
complished well after practice. Do not stay 
too long, go when you think your hostess re- 
grets to have you, and you w T ill be more wel- 
come another time. If the conversation be- 
comes dull or is likely to, then is the time 
to leave. The gentleman should leave a 
drawing room facing the hostess as much as 
possible even to go sidewise or back- 
ward, this does not, necessitate the lady's 
talking to him with his back to her. The 
hostess may leave him at the drawing-room 
door or may accompany him to the street 
door. If she has other callers she should not 
go farther than the drawing-room door. 

If a hostess has to leave the room she 
should not fail to ask to be excused. 



S6 CALLING. 

Visiting cards should be of plain white 
card-board. Flourishes and fancy and or- 
namented borders are in poor taste. The 
name should be engraved, written or printed 
in small letters in the center, and if the ad- 
dress is put on it should be in the lower left 
hand corner. A person's business or occu- 
pation should not be put upon a card used in 
calling. 

Married ladies precede the name by Mrs. 
as: 

Mrs. J. C. Smith. 
Pine street. 

The oldest of the unmarried ladies in a 
family may precede the name by Miss, but 
without the first name, as:— 
Miss Makon. 

The other unmarried ladies should simply 
give the name, as: — 

Lizzie Fay. 

When a man and his wife call together 
the card may be 

Mr. & Mrs. T. Lewis. 

Ladies in mourning use cards with deep 
black border. 

Ceremonious calls, as calls after an even- 
ing party may be made by simply leaving a 



27 



card, but answers to calls made in person 
should never be answered in this way. 

An unmarried lady does not ask a gentle- 
man to call but her father or mother do it. 
If the gentleman is a stranger in the city 
and is to remain but a short time, it is ex- 
cusable for a young lady to ask him. A 
gentleman may with perfect propriety ask 
the privilege of calling. 

A gentleman never takes a friend to call 
upon any of his lady friends without first 
obtaining their consents. 

Persons making their parting calls before 
leaving the city, write upon the card P. P. €. 
stand for "pour prendre conge, " " in order to 
take leave. 7 ' 

Turning over one side of a card signifies 
that the call is intended foraJl the ladies. 

Invitations to ladies' afternoon teas are as 
follows :— 

Mrs C. T. King, 

Friday, July 7, 
Tenth St. Tea at 4 o'clock. 

Such invitation should receive prompt at- 
tention Those invited go five or ten min- 
utes berore the appointed time, punctuality 
is as essential as at a dinner party. 



88 CALLING. 

New Year's day has been set as'de for gen- 
tlemen to make their calls, as the custom 
varies so materially in different parts of the 
country, it is impossible to lay down very 
accurate rules. 

A lady who keeps " open house' ' usually 
invites several ladies to help her entertain. 
Light refreshments are served. Gentlemen 
usually commence about twelve o'clock and 
continue until nine o'clock in the evening. 
It is far better for several to go together 
which is the custom. They are shown into 
the drawing room where they meet the 
ladies, they may or may not remove their 
overcoats, it is also optional whether they 
take refreshments. One card may be left or 
one for each lady. 



CHAPTER IV. 



r HERE are two ways to please by con- 
g|jgh versation; one is to talk upon an inter- 
esting subject — one upon which you are speci- 
ally able to talk. If you have traveled exten- 
sively or seen things of great interest you 
may entertain by relating wiiat you have 
seen. The other way is to play the part of 
an interested listener. A person is pleased 
w T hen he thinks he has succeeded in pleasing 
you. When listening to a person listen in- 
tently. Even if you are not familiar with 
the subjecc or not especially interested in it, 
you may manifest interest by listening in- 
tently and asking questions. To allow the 



30 CONVERSATION. 

eyes to wander and show disinterestedness 
is very impolite. 

Be careful not to monopolize the conversa- 
tion yourself. Give others equally as good 
a chance to talk and ask questions if you are 
in a group of several. 

There are several factors which are essen- 
tial to a good converser. 

Particular attention should be given to the 
voice. A good voice is an invaluable help 
to a person in conversing. Articulation 
should be perfect so tnat each syllable can be 
distinctly heard. Nothing is more tiresome 
in conversation than to be compelled to 
listen to a mum bier. Let it be loud enough 
so as to be distictly heard and so as not to 
give an air of secrecy. It should not be so 
loud as to be harsh or commanding. A poor 
voice may be improved by constant effort, 
but the best way is to take lessous in elocu- 
tion by a competent matter. 

WHAT TO SAY. 

For short light talk keep well posted in 
current events, This is best done by read- 
ing the newspapers. There are passing 
events of more or less interest all the time. 
A good education is indispensable. It is the 



CONVERSATION. 31 

foundation of conversational powers. It 
may not necessarily be schooling but an ex- 
tended course of reading may supplement 
an ordinary school education. One should 
read the popular works which are being pub- 
lished. Conversation on these and passing 
criticism upon them is mi interesting and 
instructive subject. fcSoine knowlege should 
also be had ot history and biography. They 
may often be referred to with good eftect, 
but in doing so, one takes considerable risk. 
Jt should be done in a most modest and cir- 
cumspect way or the appellation of "pedant" 
will be justly earned A knowlege of early 
English literature will often be found very 
desirable. A familiarity with the works of 
the leading great masters in art is very de- 
sirable. 

Education, besides being an invaluable 
aid in knowing what to say is also essential 
in knowing bow to say it. Those who have 
always associated with refined people have 
little difficulty m speaking correctly as far 
r> the sciences of grammar and rhetoric are 
concerned, but those who have fallen into 
the habit of speaking incorrectly must be 
constantly on their guard as it is a habit 



32 CONVERSATION. 

very difficult to overcome, and is only ac- 
complished by constantly applying the rules 
of grammar and rhetoric. Cultivated and 
refined society demands that only pure 
English shouid be spoken. 

Avoid exageration in your speech. This 
is an ev}l, singularly prevalent in America. 
Expressions like, the following are com- 
monly heard and their absurdity is evi- 
dent: A warm day is often said to be as hot 
as blazes. A cojd day is often said to be as 
cold as Greenland. A beautiful day is said 
to be heavenly. A fast horse is some times 
said to go like lightning. 

Another evil is the extravagant use of 
adjectives. Words such as awful, terrible, 
fearful, splendid and many others have al- 
most lost their original and legitimate 
meadings from viciated use. To speak cor- 
rectly is essential in going in good society. 
The use of slang words is worse than either 
of the evils heretofore mention ed. Must I 
say not to use it? There are more evils at- 
tending its use then may at first be realized. 
It lowers the person in the estimation of those 
hearing it. It viciates -pure English and 
lowers the standing ot the language. When 



CONVERSATION. 33 

a, person given to using slang wishes to use 
good English, he will not be able to express 
himself as he will not have synonyms for 
slang words. 

Be careful of your pronunciations, Let 
them be in accordance with the authorities. 
A good rule to follow is never to use a word 
unless you know its authorized pronuncia- 
tion. It is an evidence ot good breeding and 
good education. There are numerous works 
upon the subject besides the dictionaries all 
of which are more or less reliable. 

In assemblies of gentlemen, discussions 
may be indulged, but in the society of ladies 
discussions of a political or religious char- 
acter in which most every one has fixed 
opinions, are entirely out of place and 
should never be indulged in. They often 
and I might say usually lead to disputes, 
and ill feeling?, and the rest may not be in- 
terested in it and it keeps them from con- 
versing on other more interesting and in- 
structive subjects. The best way is not to 
allow a discussion to commence, and if you 
are drawn into it, withdraw before it be- 
comes animated. 

When playing the part of a listener pay 



34 CONVERSATION. 

careful attention to what is being said even 
if you are not interested in it. In being in- 
attentive you not only make it very un- 
comfortable for the person speaking to you, 
but you commit a shocking breach of eti- 
quette. 

To ask a repetition of what has been said is 
extremely rude. 

Avoid ail appearauee of secrecy in com- 
pany. To whisper to your neighbor or to 
laugh with another when the cause is un- 
known to those around you or to speak of 
persoQS not present by their initials is very 
rude and impolite. In company never refer 
to a standing joke that may be understood 
by some without explaining it to the rest 
that they may laugh too. 

Never burden anyone to listen to your 
trouble. Most people have trouble of their 
own and will not be interested in listening 
to yours. 

Never listen to a private conversation not 
intended for you to know. If you are sitting 
or standing so that you cannot avoid hear- 
ing it, you may with perfect propriety 
change your position. 

Never interrupt a person in speaking. 



CON VERNATION. 35 

Never suggest words or ideas to a person 
speaking unless requested to by him. 

Long stories are tedious and if about your- 
self un becoming. 

xVvoid talking of yourself, especially in a 
boasting manner. If you possess any very 
great virtue your friends will find it out and 
will be by far better impressed with you than 
they would had you called their attention to 
it yourself. 

The best w T ay if you have nothiug to say is 
to be quiet. 

Never try to be clownish or make remarks 
that might be inferrred you heard at a 
variety theatre or at a minstrel show. 

Speak ill of no one. If you can say noth- 
ing good, say nothing at all. 

Never introduce foreign words into your 
conversation or be too profuse in quotations. 
Good language consists in using the sim- 
plest word that precisely convey the mean- 
ing. Using uncommon words where com- 
moner ones would be as good or better, gives 
an air of affectation. 

Wit is the essence of lively conversation, 
but on^ rule must always be born in mind, 
never be witty at the expense of another 



86 CONVERSATION 

person. Puns are a stupid species of wit 
which are now out of date. 

Avoid gossip. Simple, frivolous gossip is 
a bane in society. 

Do not attempt to win a person's good 
graces by flattery unless you waut to make 
laughing stock of yourself. A delicate com- 
pliment is well enough but flattery is idle 
talk and will be taken for such. 

Gestures are eutirely out of place in or- 
dinary conversation, especially in the pres- 
ence of ladies 

A good business man keep his business to 
himself, and never speaks of it Id company. 
Never mention how much you may have 
made or how successful you have been. 

Never betray a trust of any kind. If a 
secret has been en trussed to you, keep it as 
such, 

Make few confidents. If you have a secret 
the best way is to keep it to yourself. If you 
need advice seek a person whom you know 
will be confident. 

Never dispute a person especially in the 
presence of others. In company if a fact is 
stated with which you differ, show it by a 
lack of assent rather than an out spoken 
dissent. 



CONVEBSATION. 37 

Never ask a person how much a certain 
thing which he may have, cost. It shows 
an unpardonable ignorance of the rules of 
society. 

A prevalent idea among men is that 
grave subjects are not interesting topics for 
conversation with women. This may be 
true in some cases, especially with young 
and frivolous girls, but ladies of good com- 
mon sense, and particularly married ladies 
will consider it a complement for gentleman 
to talk with them upon profitable subjects as 
developemehts in science, etc. 

Never pretend to notice any error in 
speech. It is very rude to correct a person 
or to repeat correctly what he meant to say 



CHAPTER V. 

OTEET E¥IPE¥JFE. 



E careful of your conduct on the street. 

It is there that you are judged by 
every one except your intimate friends. A 
lady will always appear on the street in un- 
obstrusive attire and never appear to notice 
any one but her acquaintances. Loud and 
obstrusive wardrobe and staring at passers- 
by invite impertinences and scandalous re- 
marks from street loafers and ruffins. Be 
tidy in your appearance and be duly govern 
ed in your dress by the weather. What may 
be suitable for a pleasant day might be very 
much out of place when the weather is in- 
clement. 



STREET. 39 

Always turn to the right. It is the custom 
in some places especially in the smaller 
towns for the gentlemen to turn toward 
the street when meeting a lady, but in the 
crowded streets of our large cities this cre- 
ates much confusion and is almost impossi- 
ble. The best way is to always turn to the 
right unless when passing a lady there is 
some particular danger and then turn toward 
the street. 

A gentleman may with perfect propriety 
offer to assist a lady from a carriage and tie 
her horse for her. 

Always bow to all your acquaintances 
whom you meet. A lady meeting a gentle- 
man acquaintance must bow first and in 
general the superior is privileged to decide 
whether the acquaintance shall be continu- 
ed. It is emtremely ill-mannered for an in- 
ferior to force a superior to bow to him by 
bowing first. 

A gentleman alw T ays tip his hat to a lady 
or a minister of the gospel. To tip the hat 
gracefully is no small accomplishment and 
it is something that is always noticed by a 
Jady. The hat should be lifted entirely from 
the head and with the hand furthest from 



40 STREET. 

the person to whom you are bowing. To 
simply touch the rim of the hat is dis- 
courteous. 

Two gentlemen meeting, one accompa- 
nied by a lady, both gentlemen tip their 
hats, A gentleman meeting a lady ac- 
quaintance accompanied by a gentleman, 
the gentlemen tip their hats. Gentlemen in 
bowing to each other make a gesture of the 
arm as a sign of cordiality. 

Always accompany a bow with a smile. 

When a gentleman and lady are walking 
together the lady should measure her steps 
as near the gentleman's as consistent. 

The gentleman however should keep in 
step with the lady and not make the lady 
keep in step with him. 

In street crossings and narrow walks 
where it is necessary to go single file, the 
gentleman should allow the lady to precede 
but if there is a crowd or other obstacle, the 
gentleman should go first to clear the way. 
A lady should take a gentleman's right arm 
then the passers-by will not nudge against 
her. The gentleman should carry the lady's 
bundles but if she has several she should in- 
sist upon carrying part herself 



STREET. 41 

When a lady stops a gentleman on the 
street he should turn around and offer to 
walk along with her while she delivers her 
message and chen leave her, tipping his hat. 

If a gentleman wishes to walk along with 
a lady he should ask her permission, it would 
be very impolite to walk up beside a lady 
without obtaining her permission. After 
once joining a lady, a gentleman will not 
leave her until she has reached her destina- 
tion. 

A gentleman having a seat in a crowded 
horse car or omnibus, should give it to any 
lady who may enter. 

Two ladies may take the arms of one gen- 
tleman, but a lady should not take the arms 
of two gentlemen. 

A gentleman may offer his umbrella to a 
lady who may be caught in a storm unpro- 
tected. The lady may accept, but if her tak- 
ing it would necessitate the gentleman's 
walking any considerable distance unpro- 
tected, she may decline, thanking him and 
expressing her dislike of depriving bim of 
the use of it, at which he may offer to ac- 
company her. If the lady accepts the um- 
brella in the first place she should send it 
back as soon as possible 



42 STREET. 

If a gentleman accompanies two ladies 
and has but one umbrella, he should let the 
ladies take it and walk under it alone, and 
he should go behind them. The reason for 
this is obvious. If the three attempted to 
walk under it the two on the outside would 
have to walk not only in the rain but in the 
drippings of the umbrella. 

A lady should precede a gentleman in en- 
tering a horse car or omnibus, but the gen- 
tleman should leave first and assist the lady 
in alighting. 

A gentleman always opens a door and 
■holds it open for a lady and allows her to 
pass first. If a gentleman meets a lady at a 
door, going in an opposite direction he will 
hold the door open and let her pass and tip 
his hat at the same time. 

If a gentleman invites a lady to ride, he 
will let her name the hour tor starting and 
also for returning. He will call for her 
punctually at the hour she names. After a 
lady has accepted an invitation to ride, it 
would be a base imposition to go with a poor 
turn out, See that the carriage is tidy and 
the borse is a good one. 

The gentleman will assist a lady in and 



43 



see that her dress does not touch the wheel. 
He will assist her also in alighting wiien 
they return. 

It is a gross breach of decorum for a getle- 
man to rest his arm on the back of the seat 
behind the lady, and an impertinence that 
no lady will tolerate. 

After returning from a ride the lady must 
not neglect to thank the gentleman and ex- 
press her enjoyment. 

Whether you are riding or walking do not 
stop so as to obstruct the way. Tf you stop 
on the walk step to the edge and leave room 
for passers. 

A gentleman taking a lady horse-back 
riding will not mount his horse until the 
lady has mounted and is ready to start but 
he will dismount first and assist the lady. 
He will keep his horse at the s^me pace as 
the lady's, and will never force her to ride 
faster than she may desire. He will be con- 
stantly on the lookout for danger and be 
ready to offer any assistance she may need. 



CHAPTER VI. 



57TOE E¥IPE¥¥E. 



ycmS T is curious to see how much fuluess 
and emptiness of stomachs have to do 
with moods. A business man who has been 
at work hard all day, will enter his house for 
dinner as crabbed as a hungry bear — crabbed 
because he is as hungry as a hungry bear. 
The wife understands the mood, and, while 
she says little to him is careful not to have 
the dinner delayed. In the meantime the 
children watch him cautiously, and do not 
tease him with questions. When the soup 
is gulped, and he leans beck and wipes his 
mouth, there is an evident relaxation, and 



TABLE. 45 

his wife ventures to ask for the news. When 
the roast beer is disposed of, she presumes 
upon gossip, and possibly upon a jest; and 
whan at last the des>ert is spread upon the 
table, ail hands are merry and the face of the 
hu band and father, who entered the house 
so pinched and savage and sharp becomes 
soft and full and beaming as the face of the 
round summer moon. Children are very 
sensitive to the influence of hunger; and 
often when we think that we are witnessing 
some fearful proof of the total depravity of 
human nature iu a young child, we are only 
witnessing the natural expression of a desire 
for bread and milk. 

The politicians and all that class of men 
who have axes to grind, understand this 
business very thoroughly. If a measure is 
to be carried through, and any man wishes 
to secure votes tor it, he gives a dinner. If a 
man wishes for a profitable contract, he gives 
a dinner. If he is up for a fat office, he 
gives a dinner. If it is desirable that a pair 
of estranged friends be brought together and 
reconciled to each other they are invited to 
a dinner. If hostile interests are to be har- 
monized and clashing measures compro- 



46 



mized,and devergent forces brought into par- 
allelism, all must be effected by. meaus of a 
dinner. A good dinner produces a good mood 
— at least, it produces an impressible mood." 

Dr. Holland's ''Moods and Frames of 
Mind.'' 

To be acquainted with the details of table 
etiquette, and to be able to move with ease 
at a dinner party is no small accomplish- 
ment. This is indispensable to a lady or 
gentleman who pretends to go in the best 
society, and an absence of them is quickly 
noticed by the careful, An ill-bred person 
will show it nowhere as soon as at the table. 
Like other points of etiquette a knowledge 
is not enough, a person to appear well and 
be at ease must have practice. First we will 
treat of dinner parties. 

The hostess who takes upon herself to en- 
tertain a party at dinner, if she is not expe- 
rienced, undertakes a task of no small weight 
and the unexperienced hostess will do well 
to entertain her intimate friends and those 
who are acquainted with each other, at her 
first dinner and thus be relieved of quite a 
part of the responsibility. Let the number 
of guests be small. Better entertain a few 



47 



and do it well than more and have the feel- 
ing that they have not been well entertained. 
An invitation to a dinner party should be on 
fine side-folding paper or cards. It should 
be neatly written unless engraved blanks 
are used. 

A good form for an invitation is as follows: 

Mr & Mrs, Edgar Kidd, 
request the pleasure of 
Mr. & Mrs. William White's company 
Friday, July 12. 
3 o'clock. 
R. s. v. p. 
R. s. v, p., "please answer" may be put on 
or no,t. 

This should be enclosed in an envelope 
and delivered by a private messenger in the 
city, but if it is to be sent through the mail 
it should be enclosed in an outside en- 
velope and addressed to the gentleman, and 
the inner envelope should be addressed to 
those invited, as Mr. & Mrs. William White. 
An invitation to dinner should be given 
prompt attention whether it is accepted or 
declined. 

A good form for the acceptance of an invi- 
tation is as follows: 



48 



Mr & Mrs. William White accept with 
pleasure the kind invitation of Mr. & Mrs. 
Kidd for Friday, July 12 at 3 o'clock. 

A good form for declining an invitation 
to dine is as follows : 

Mr. & Mrs. William White regret that 
they are unable to accept the kind invita- 
tion of Mr. & Mrs. Kidd for Friday July 12 
at 3 o'clock. 
It is unnecessary to assign any reason. 
The answer to an invitation should be en- 
closed in an envelope and sent by messen- 
ger. 

If the company is given in honor of a dis- 
tinguished visitor the invitation should read: 
Mr. & Mrs Herry Kidd, 
request the pleasure of 
Mr. & Mrs. William White's company 

to meet Hon. 

Friday July 12 
3 o'clock. 
R. s. v. p. 
Evening costume is required for dinner 
parties for both ladies and gentlemen 

All guests must be promptly on hand. 
They should arrive at any time for half an 
hour before the time specified in theinvita- 



49 



lion Fifteen minutes before the appointed 
time is very good. Never be late under any 
circumstances. 

The guests, upon their arrival, should be 
ushered into the dressing room. 

The ho^t and hostess should meet the 
guests at the drawing room door, and if 
there be distinguished visitors should be 
presented to them. 

The hostess should endeavor to make it as 
lively and social as possible for the few 
minutes before dinner. This will make it 
much more enjoyable for the guests at the 
table if the stiffness is worn off before. 

When dinner is announced the gentlemen 
escort the ladies to the dining room giving 
either the right or left arm, the latter being 
the handier. The hostess will then seat the 
company. Another way, and one that is to 
be preferred is to have the names of the 
guests written on cards and placed at ( ach 
place. This avoids confusion. Another 
way and one which is extensively used is 
for the hostess to ask each gentleman to take 
a particular lady. This gives an opportunity 
for the hostess to exercise her ingenuity 
and introduce jest. The names of the 



50 TABLE- 

gentlemen are on cards at their places and 
the ladies s t at the gentlemen's left. 

If the distinguished guest is a lady, the 
host should offer her his arm and leave the 
drawing room first and she will sit at his 
right at the table, the hostess going second. 
If the distinguished guest is a gentleman, he 
should offer his arm to the hostess and go 
first and the host with his lady last. The 
escort of the hostess sits at her right. The 
lively and entertaining converters should be 
separated, and if there be several strangers 
they should be set between those who are 
well acquainted. This arrangement will 
tend ro enliven the conversation. The gen- 
tlemen remain standing until the ladies are 
seated. After reaching the table the kids 
should be removed and left in the lap. 

The hostess will lessen the confusion very 
much by having the soup (which is always 
the first course) served before the guests 
leave the drawing room. A piece of bread 
should be placed on each napkin. 

The hostess gives the signal for rising. 

The individual observances are such as 
should be observed always and under all 
circumstances. If not they will not seem 
natural when in company. 



TABLE. 51 

Commence eating as soon as served, and 
not wait for the others. Tbe custom of 
waiting is old-fashioned and out of date. 

The napkin should be spread in the lap 
and not tucked in the neck as our ancestors 
of a hundred Years ago did. 

The hoste.-s m-ay ask a gentleman sitting 
near a dish, to serve it, with perfect pro- 
priety. 

If a plate is passed to you by a servant, 
keep it, it would be very rude to pass it. 
But if a plate is passed to you by the one sit- 
ting next you, you may pass it. Never pass 
a plate which has been helped to your 
choosing. This would necessitate some one 
else taking a plate which might not be as 
he would choose it. 

If asked to name some part of the fowl, 
name it promptly and do not say that you 
are not particular. The carver may not 
want to take upon himself the responsibility 
of pleasing you. 

A gentleman should always see that his 
partner is well served. 

When chewing your food, keep the lips 
closed, by doing so you will not make tbe 
ugly noise so disagreeable at the table. 



52 TABLE. 

When passing your plate remove the knife 
and fork and hold them in the hand while 
the plate is passed, but leave the spoon in a 
dish or cup while it is being passed. 

Break the bread and do not out it, and 
only butter a small piece at once. 

Never help yourself or anyone else with 
your own knife, fork or spoon. To do so 
would be a shocking breach of etiquette. 

Take your soup from the side of the spoon 
and do it without making a noise. 

Never speak when you have anything in 
your mouth. 

Wipe your mouth with your napkin be- 
fore drinking, then you will not leave parti- 
cles of food on the outside of the glass which 
would make you appear very untidy. 

" Give no more to every truest. 
Than he is able to digest. 

Give him always of the prime. 
And but little at a time." 

— WltT. 

Never put your knife to your mouth under 
any circumstances. Lift your food with 
your fork. It shows low bring-up to eat pie 
and pastry with che knife. It should be 
done with the fork. 



53 



Eat slowly and moderately. There is a 
physiological reason for this as well as a 
point of etiquette. 

Never put anything on the table cloth but 
on the edge of the plate instead. Bread may 
be leaned up against the plate. 

Must I say never to blow the nose at the 
table? If you have to cough turn the head 
to one side and hold the handkerchief over 
the mouth. You will thus disturb the rest 
of those at the able less. 

In eating stone fruit, some convey the 
stones to the plate with a spoon and other- 
slip it into the palm of the hand and slip it 
on the plate Both ways are good and will 
always be considered proper, but never drop 
the stone from the mouth to the plate. 

Coffee should be served after desert. 

Shoulu you accidentally overturn or break 
anything, do not apologize but call a ser- 
vant's attention to it and she will attend 
to it. 

Treat the servants well and never omit 
the "thank you" and "please." 

A guest is at liberty to withdraw from a 
dinner party after staying half an hour in 
the drawing room. 



54 



Leave the knife and fork lying parallel 
to each other across the plate at an angle of 
about 45 with the side of the table. 

Never use the napkin above the mouth. It 
is an unpardonable breach of etiquette to 
wipe the nose or the perspiration from the 
face with the napkin. 

If a finger glass is passed or if they are at 
the places, the fingers may be dipped and 
wiped on the napkin. 

Never show any disirke at any thing set 
before you, and be careful not to offend your 
hostess in any way. 

Never pour tea and coffee into the saucer 
but drink it from the cup. 

Be careful that your elbows are close to 
your sides, that they will not interfere with 
the person next you. 

If a fish bone gets into your mouth do not 
spit it out but hold your napkin over your 
mouth with one hand and remove the bone, 
under the napkin with the other. 

Do not pick the teeth at the table; and 
above all do not do it with the fork. If a 
particle of food lodges in a tooth so as to give 
pain, hold the napkin over the mouth and 
with a tooth pick in the other hand, remove 



TABLE. 55 

the morsel under the napkin very much as 
you remove the fish bone. 

If the food is too warm do not blow it but 
wait until it cools. 

Always try to finish each course with the 
rest, to remain eating after the rest, makes 
it awkward for the hostess and for yourself. 



CHAPTER VIT. 



Wk* HE etiquette for the ball room arid 
i evening party is so much alike and 
as there is so much common to both, that 
I trust I will be pardoned if T combine them 
in treating them. 

There ar*> few amusements mure enjoya- 
ble than an evening spent at an evening 
party There is however one accomplish- 
ment that is essential to its enjoyment, es- 
sentia] because a large part of the time is 
devoted to it, that is dancing We are well 
aware that there are those who object to 
dancing, on moral grounds. This is not a 
proper place to discuss its right and wrong 



PARTIES A2sD BALLS. 57 

but as it is now countenanced and looked 
upon as an innocent amusement by all fair 
minded people and in as much as no one 
can appear well in society without some 
knowledge of it, we recommend it most 
highly. 

In the .young person who is just beginning 
to go into society a course of dancing will 
produce a marvelous change. There is noth- 
ing that will produce an ease and grace 
in mauner as dancing will, especially in the 
young who are inclined to be diffident and 
who are obliged to play the part of wall 
flower when in company. 

The waltz still holds its place of pre-eini- 
nt-tice among round dances although several 
new dauces are quite popular just at present. 

An invitation to an informal evening 
party may be simply a verbal one in which 
case it is not necessary to go ,l full dress.'' 
Gloves may be worn or not, just as a person 
is inclined, but the safe way is always to 
carry a pair, and then after you arrive you 
may slip them on. 

For a formal evening party, reception, 
etc., must be a neatly written one, or what 
is much nicer is an engraved one. These 



58 PARTIES AND BALLS. 

should be delivered from four days to three 
weeks before the appointed day. An invita- 
tion of this kind may be something as fol- 
lows : 

Mrs. Marten requests the pleasure ot Mr. 
Cook's company for Monday evening, March 
12. Sometimes a clause like, u Dancing to 
commence at nine o'clock" is inserted. Such 
invitations are given in the name of the 
lady of the house. Prompt attention should 
be given to a ball invitation whether it is 
accepted or declined. Such invitations call 
for full dress which of course includes white 
or very light kids. You should also have a 
carriage. 

In attending a dinner party you must be 
very punctual at the hour named in the in- 
vitation, but invitations to a ball or evening 
party often do not specify the hour, and even 
if they do it is not essential to be prompt. 

If a gentleman escorts a lady he should let 
her name the hour, and he should call at 
that time with a carriage. The lady should 
be invited soon after the invitation is re- 
ceived. If it is several days previous to the 
event he should call on her after he invites 
her and before the event. After arriving at 



PARTIES AND BALLS. 59 

the house they will be directed to their re- 
spective dressing rooms After the gentle- 
man has finished his own toilet he waits at 
the door of the ladies' dressing room until 
his lady appears, when he will escort her 
directly to the hostess. After that they are 
at liberty to do what they will, but it is a 
great rudeness not to greet the hostess upon 
leaving the dressing room. The hostess 
should station herself easy of access while 
the guests are coming. 

The old fashion of introducing each one 
around to all of the others is out of fashion. 
The guests at an evening party are now pri- 
vileged to recognize any one present without 
introduction. 

The enjoyment of an evening party con- 
sists largely in making all feel themselves 
at ease and to this end all the efforts of the 
hostess should be directed. If introductions 
are requested they may be performed with- 
out the permission of the parties which is 
not the case under other circumstances. 

You should be able to play a good hand of 
cards. Often at parties cards form quite a 
prominent part of the amusement and 
makes a very pleasant change from dancing. 



60 PARTIES AND BALLS. 

Dancing always forms the great part of 
the amusement, and if a professional floor 
manager is employed the responsibility of 
the hostess is very materially lessened. 
Canvas makes the best floor surface for 
dancing and may be put over a carpet. It is 
the poorest economy for a hostess to provide 
inferior music for an entertainment of this 
kind. Good music is even more important 
than a good floor. The piano is a good in- 
strument for dancing but not a.s played by 
the ordinary player Dancing music is a 
branch of music in itselt and few who do not 
prepare themselves particularly for it can 
give that sharp accent and keep the precise 
time which is indispensable. The violin is a 
good instrument for dancing, but should 
only be used in connection with other in- 
struments. 

A puzzling problem in giving an enter- 
tainment of this kind is the question of re- 
freshments. If money is no object a profes- 
sional caterer should be employed and if he 
is trusty this entire department may be left 
to his charge. But if this course is thought 
not to be best, a plentiful supply of the best 
quality of refreshments should be served. 



PARTIES AND BALLS. 61 

Dancing pives one an appetite and a good 
supply of sandwici es will be duly appreci- 
ated in connection with the cakes, creams, 
etc., which are always served. 

Never take your place upon the floor un- 
less you are a thorough master of the step. 
If it is a square dance a single person unfa- 
miliar with the changes will interrupt the 
whole set and not only embarrass himself but 
spoil the pleasure of the others in the set. 
To attempt a round dance which you are un- 
familiar with is ridiculous on its face. 

Never fail to keep your engagements in 
the ball room. It is an unpardonable 
breach of etiquette which will not be forgot- 
ten by any one. 

At a public ball or hop no gentleman will 
ask a lady to dance unless he has been intro- 
duced. An introduction for dancing does 
not constitute an acquaintance, and a lady 
is at liberty to pass a gentleman so intro- 
duced on the street without recognition. 

If you are discreet you will not dance 
every time especially if you attend often. It 
is very fatiguing and if kept up night after 
night through the gay season of the year will 
soon tell upon a person's health. Keep good 



62 , PARTIES AND BALLS. 

hours and dance from half to two thirds of 
the dances and you will feel well repaid the 
next day for your denial. 

A person invited to an evening party or 
ball having a friend visiting him, may with 
perfect propriety ask for an invitation for 
him. But it would be rude to take your 
friend without first obtaining an invitation. 

As the enjoyment of a party rests in the 
frequent changing of ones associates and 
partners, no gentleman will monopolize the 
attention of any one lady too constantly. 

A gentleman escorting a lady will dance 
with her the first time and then he is at 
liberty to dance with other ladies provi 'ed 
the iady he brought dances all she wishes to. 
If she does not wish to dance she will appre- 
ciate your denial if you keep her company 
and entertain her as best you can. 

The best way for a gentleman to ask a iady 
to dance is as follows : 

If they have just been introduced he 
should say "May I have the- pleasure of 
dancing this time with you?" or "May I 
have the pleasure of waltzing with you this 
time?" but if they are well acquainted he 
may say "Will you dance with me this time 



PARTIES AND BALLS. 63 

Miss ?" or "Will you dance this time 

Miss ?" 

A gentleman cannot be too careful not to 
-poil a lady's dress. Gloves are not worn to a 
ball for looks alone but serve a practical pur- 
pose as well. The perspiration on the hand 
from dancing will ruin a lady's dress when 
gloves are not worn then the gentleman 
should hold his handkerchief in his right 
hand so that his hand will not touch the la- 
dy's dress. 

A gentleman after dancing with a lady 
leads her to a seat and after conversing with 
her for a few minutes may leave her. 

If a gentleman asks a lady to dance and 
she declines pleading fatigue, previous en- 
gagement, etc., he does not then ask another 
lady sitting near her, but goes to r some 
other lady in another part of the room. 

The gentleman should not offer to carry a 
lady's fan or bouquet while at an evening 
party or ball. If the lady wishes the gentle- 
man to hold it, she may ask him to with 
perfect propriety. 

A gentleman should dance once with his 
hostess during the evening. 

A gentleman should not take a seat next a 
lady who is a stranger to him. 



64 PARTIES AND BALLS. 

Do not start a conversation while anyoue 
is playing or sing for the pleasure of those 
present. If you happen to be conversing 
when the music begins, stop as soon as you 
can and finish what you are saying. 

After dancing the gentleman will offer 
the lady his arm and ask her whether she 
will walk for a few minutes. If she chooses 
the latter she may request the gentleman to 
take her to a seat where they may remain 
conversing for a few minutes when he may 
leave her. If she does not wish to walk, the 
gentleman will offer his arm and escort her 
to a seat and after conversing with her a 
minute leave her 

A. gentleman usually provides a bouquet for 
the Indy whom he escorts, though this is 
optional It may be sent in the afternoon 
with the gentleman's card or may be taken 
by him in the evening. The former is to be 
preferred. 

Gentlemen cannot be too careful that the 
ladies whom they escort receive their due 
amount of attention. It is a gross insult to 
a lady to take her to such a place and then 
devote your attention to another lady. Like- 
wise ladies will never slight a gentleman 



PARTIES AND BALLS. f>5 

who has escorted her to such an entertain - 
mem. 

The lady is privileged to say when to 
leave, The gentleman must see that the 
carriage is ready, and when it is, escorts the 
lady, giving her his arm, to the hostess and 
after bidding her good night, the gentleman 
leaves the lady at the dressing room door, 
and each take to their respective dressing 
rooms. The gentlen an when ready waits 
near the ladies' dressing room and joins his 
lady when she makes his appearance, and 
escorts her to the carriage. 

The lady may ask a gentleman to come in 
but such an invitation should not be accept- 
ed. He may, however, ask if he may call at 
a subsequent time. 

After you leave the dressing room do not 
give your toilet more attention. It is 
most unbecoming to see a person always 
fussing with his hair, neck tie, cuffs, etc. If 
you need to arrange your toilet go to the 
dressing room to do it. A lady, after a aance 
may ask her partner to leave her at the 
dressing room door and he will wait for her 
and escort her back to the rest of the com- 
pany. 



CHAPTER VIII. 

YI$I¥IN6. 



jLT^S| O not go to visit a friend unless .you 
^SIIP have made definite arrangements as 
to date, etc., with the person upon whom 
you nteud to visit To accept a general in- 
vitation which may have been extended at 
some time without first making definite ar- 
rangements may greatly inconvenience 
your hostess. If you have a general invita- 
tion and wish to accept, the proper way is to 
write and inquire if it would be convenient 
for you to accept her invitation. Upon your 
arrival you should inform your hostess how 
long you expect to stay, as it may make ma- 
terial difference in your entertainment and 



YJ SITING. 67 

it would be impolite for your hostess to ask 
you how loijg you intend to stay. 

The hostess should give her guests a very 
cordial welcome and express the pleasure 
which their arrival affords her. This should 
be followed by affable maimers toward them 
during the visit. They should be given the 
best at her disposal and every thing done to 
put them at ease. She should devote as 
much time to their entertainment as she 
can consistently. If they are strangers at 
the city they should be shown around and 
taken to the different points of interest. 

The guests should inconvenience their 
hostess as little as possible and entertain 
themselves while their hostess is occupied. 
They should keep the hours of the family in 
their meals, retiring aud rising. 

When the time for retiring arrives the 
guests should signify their readiness to re- 
tire. 

Invitations to the hostess should also in- 
clude her guests, and if the guests are not 
invited, because it was not known that the 
hostess had guests, she may ask that her 
guests be invited too. 

It is best for a guest not to accept an invi- 



68 VISITiKG. 

tation which does not include the hostess, 
and she should be consulted at all events. 

The hostess should aim to please her 
guests so that they would like to repeat their 
visit, and the aim of the guests should be to 
please their hostess so that she would be 
pleased to have them come again. 

The hostess should ask her guests to pro- 
long their visit, but the best way is for them 
to leave at the expected time, unless there 
is some special reason for staying longer 

The guests should write on their return 
home, to the hostess thanking her for her 
kindness and inviting her to return the visit. 
It is optional whether this letter is answered 
or not. 



CHAPTER IX. 



pP| T is not enough that a person should 
s|i^ be clever, or well educated, or well 
born, or be conversant with the rules of eti- 
quette to hold a position in society. He 
must pay due regard to his personal appear- 
ance. 

Those who have not other requisites to 
commend them into the best society, usual 
ly resort to dress as a counter-balance. A 
very poor way indeed. If you have an 
abundance of means you may dress richly, 
let everything you have be of the best. 
Guard yourself against dressing obtrusive- 
ly or loud. If your means are limited dress 



70 PERSONAL APPEARANCE 

plain and do not attempt to make up what 
you have not, by being very loud with what 
you have. Whether you are extravagant in 
your dress or moderate, one thing above all 
others, be neat. 

The tastes about person's dress vary very 
wide. Some will dress very extravagantly 
and then not present nearly as good an ap- 
pearance as some who have not expended 
nearly as much. Ladies who lack tins judg- 
ment in dress should consult their friends, 
and gentlemen may leaveit to the. discretion 
of a fashionable tailor. 

The shoes should be well fitting and of fine 
quality ; it is poor economy to wear heavy 
and course leather Of course they must be 
frequently blacked. 

The curls and neck wear should ever be 
clean. Change when it is necessary whether 
it is "time' 7 or not 

A lady walking on the street must not 
dress too elegantly, but a lady in a carriage 
may dress as elegantly as she pleases. 

Be moderate in your jewelry and let what 
you wear be genuine. 

Greater license is given to ladies than to 
gentlemen. A gentleman who wears much 
jewelry is apt to be called a u fop." 



PERSONAL APPEARANCE. 71 

A pair of cuff buttons, a watch a» d guard, 
a shirt stud an<< one ring are all the pieces 
that may be worn with taste, and these 
should be unobtrusive. 

A lady in mourning wears jewelry to 
match A gold necklace or wntch guard is 
in poor taste. 

Always wear gloves in the street, at church, 
at the theatre or opera, at evening parties 
and balls, etc. Dark and natural shades are 
worn at church, and in the street and light 
at the opera and parties and white at balls 
and formal receptions. Gentlemen never 
wear black, except to funerals, though com- 
monly worn by ladies. 

To look well give attention to the minute 
details. Let your cuffs, collars, shoes, etc., 
be in good order. If you are well dressed in 
all except shoes, for instance, and they are 
worn and old, they spoil the effect of your 
whole dress. Give special attention to the 
hair, nails, teeth, etc., the neatness of which 
is indispensable to the finished toilet. 

Use but little perfumery, much of it is in 
bad taste, and never use scented hair oil. 

A good dentifrice is common white Castile 
soap, which may be applied with a sponge 
or soft brush . 



72 PERSONAL APPEARANCE 

Bathe frequently. It is an excellent plan 
to bathv every morning before breakfast and 
is recommended by physicians. Let the 
water be warm enough to be comfortable, 
use a large coarse sponge and apply the wa- 
ter to the stomach first. After the bath use 
a coarse Turkisk towel and rob the skin to a 
glow. 

The finger nails are soft after a bath and 
then is the time to clean them, a penknife 
can be used for the purpose. Nothing dis 
figures a person's toilet more, otherwise 
perfect, than dirty finger nails, Never 
scrape the surface of the nail with a knife or 
anything harder than a nail brush with 
soap. 

Clean your teeth after every meal, this is 
the only way to keep a presentable set of 
teeth. Clean them on the back side as well 
as on the front and the back teeth as well as 
the front ones. 

While you are dressing devote yourself en- 
tirely to that, before you leave the dressing 
room see that your toilet is finished, then 
you are ready to devote yourself to some- 
thing else. It is very unbecoming for a per- 
son to always be arranging their toilets, if 



PERSONAL APPEARANCE. 73 

your hair needs arranging or your neck tie 
adjusting, go to the dressing room and fix it, 
When we speak of excellence in dress, we 
do not mean richness of clothing, nor mani- 
fested elaboration. Faultless propriety, per- 
fect harmony and a refined simplicity— 
these are the charms which fascinate. 




CHAPTER X. 

Cpa^CP EfipEW E. 



HERE is a great difference in the 
form of worship in our different 
churches. We take for granted that every 
one knows the principles of his own church, 
and it is needless for us to say to practice 
them. Always let your conduct be most cir- 
cumspect and show your reverence for God, 
your church and fellow Christians. 

If you visit a strange church let your con - 
duct be as near like the rest as possible. Rise 
when the rest do, etc. It is the grossest im- 
propriety and one that will make you odious 
to those around you and injure the feelings 



CHURCH ETIRUETTE. 75 

of the devout to laugh or ridicule the ser- 
vices. 

Always give the minister your strictest at- 
tention, and never display any weariness or 
discomfort while in church. It is as rude to 
consult your watch as it would be while 
making a call. 

If you are a gentleman, escorting a lady, 
call for her early so that you may be punc- 
tual. If it is your own church, pass directly 
to your seat, and if it is a strange church re- 
quest the usher to seat you. If the aisle is 
wide you and your lady may walk side by 
side, but if it does not admit of this the gen- 
tleman should precede the lady, and when 
you arrive at the seat, step aside, and let 
your lady pass in first. 

The gentleman should keep the place in 
the prayer and hymn books and not make 
the lady do it. 

If a gentleman alone has a seat and a lady 
enters who has no seat, he should give her 
his, but if the gentleman is accompanied by 
a lady he should not offer her his seat 

A lady may very properly accept the es- 
cort of a gentleman home from church if she 
is alone if he asks her inside the church, but 



76 CHURCH ETIQUETTE. 

no lady will receive the company of any- 
one who waits for her outside the door. 

If you are at your own church you may 
offer your book or fan to a stranger who 
should be careful to return it after using. If 
you oner a hymn book or prayer book find 
the place before handing 



CHAPTER XI. 

IJlETOEjS ETC. 



< |IP| F you have reserved seats tor the en- 
'!«& tertainment you should give ample 
time so that you will be seated and ready a 
few minutes before the curtain rises. If you 
do not have reserved seats your going must 
be governed by numerous circumstances. 
But, above all, be in your seat before the en- 
tertainment begins. It is far better to be a 
few minutes early than to come late. If for 
some unavoidable reason you have to go late 
take your place as quietly as possible, taking 
care not to disturb those around you. 

If a lady comes late and there are no va- 
cant seats, a gentleman who has one should 



78 THEATRES. ETC. 

offer it to her, but it is an unexcusable im 
pertenenee and an imposition upon a gentle- 
man's right for a woman to enter a crowded 
hall or theatre and push to the front and 
force some gentleman, out of courtesy, to 
give her his seat, without thanks of course. 
A lady receiving such a favor from a gentle- 
man is under special obligations to him and 
for her not to thank him or to acknowledge 
hK kindness by a bow, shows very ill breed- 
ing. 

It is better not to talk while there is any- 
thing going on, on the stage. If it is a con- 
cert you may talk to the one next you in a 
low tone of voice that will not be heard by 
any one except the one to whom you are 
speaking. 

Never talk during the acts at a theatre or 
anticipate the plot. A person to enjoy a 
play must give it his individual attention, 
and the sole of the enjoyment is the surprise. 

If you are a gentleman and wish to escort 
a lady invite her several days previous. If you 
are not intimately acquainted with the lady 
ifyou include her mother in the in vitation,es- 
pecially if she has no one to rely on for com- 
pany, it will be appreciated most highly. If 



THEATRES, ETC. 79 

you happen to go up stairs go before the lady 
if you cannot go side by side. It is a great 
rudeness to make the lady go up first. In 
coming down the lady should precede. 

You will not be thanked by the lady if you 
provide her with a poor seat. 

(all for her promptly at the appointed 
time, and if the weather is inclement you 
must provide a carriage. 

The gentleman must take the lead fol- 
lowed by his companion, and when the seat 
is reached he should step aside and allow the 
lady to step in first. In coming out too, the 
gentleman takes the lead if the aisle is not 
wide enough to walk side by side 

If you have to pass before others to reach 
your seats, pass them, facing them and not 
with the back toward them. 

A gentleman with a lady does not offer his 
seat to a lady who may be without one as a 
gentleman alone does. 

A gentleman with a lady devotes all his at- 
tention to her, but if he is alone he may 
leave his seat between the acts and chat 
with friends. 

Applaud is better given by clapping the 
hands than stamping the feet. 



80 THEATRES, ETC 

It is a gross breach of etiquette for a gen- 
tleman p escorting a lady to rest his arm on 
the back of the seat. 

Loud talking and laughing and all boister- 
ous conduct is out of place. 



CHAPTER XII. 



||p HE etiquette for letter writing is in a 

S^ m^asurp t.Vm sa.rrm as that of ponvar- 



m 

measure the same as that of conver- 
sation , but includes much more ; what was 
said upon pure English, necessity of educa- 
tion, etc., applies equally well to letter writ- 
ing. There is one thing which was not 
mentioned under the former head which is 
of great importance here, that is spelling. If 
you are not sure of the spelling of a word, do 
not let it pass, but consult a dictionary and 
be sure. A missplelt word is a great blemish 
to a letter and shows a deficiency of educa- 
tion in the primary branches. 



82 LETTERS. 

The style of paper must be in accordance 
with the nature of the letter. A business 
letter should be on ordinary letter paper, and 
for friendly letters use fine woven paper with 
envelopes to match. Invitations should also 
be on fine paper or gold-edged cards. It 
would be extremely out of place to write a 
friendly letter upon paper suitable for busi- 
ness or ''vice versa." 

Never omit the date from your letter it 
should be on the first line with the name of 
the city where you write, and if it is a large 
city the name and number of the street 
should be given. Never neglect to give the 
State, particularly if your letter is to go out- 
side the State where you are writing 

If you are writing to a stranger address 
him or her 'Dear Sir," or "Sir/ 1 or "Dear 
Madam," or "Madam," as the case may be. 
"Gentlemen" is some times used in writing 
to a business firm, but never abbreviate it to 
"Gents." Then follows the body of the let- 
ter. If it be of a business nature let it be as 
short as consistent. It is a great annoyance 
to business men to receive long and inex- 
plicit letters. Be brief and to the point. If 
it is of a friendly nature be governed by the 



LETTERS. 83 

degree of intimacy existing between your- 
self and the person to whom you are writing, 
The address of a friendly letter may be as 
follows given in the order of their intimacy: 
Sir, 

Respectfully ? 
Dear Sir, 

Respectfully Yours, 
My Dear Sir, 

Very respectfully, 
Gentlemen, 

Yours, &c, 
Dear Sirs, 

Yours Truly, 
Madam, 

Your humble servant, 
Dear Madam , 

Your friend, 
My Dear Madam, 

Your sincere friend, 
My Friend, 

Sincerely Yours, 
My Friend, 

Your obedient servant, 
My Dear Friend, 

With much love, yours, 

Dear — 

With much love, 



84 LETTERS. 

My Dear , 

Lovingly, 
My Dear Mother, 
My Dear Father, 
My Dear Aunt, 

Cousin 

The subscription of a letter is the close 
where the name is signed with some expres- 
sion of respect or affection. This should not 
be too abrupt but should be closely con- 
nected with the body of the letter. I give a 
few examples : 
Allow me to sign myself, 

Your friend, 
With my best wishes for your welfair, I 
remain 

Your sincere friend, 
Please give my kind regards to your par- 
ents and write soon to 

Your friend and school mate, 
Hoping to hear from you without delay, I 
remain 

As ever yours, 
Ladies in writing to strangers should sub- 
scribe the letter so that the person to whom 
she is writing will know whether to address 
her Mr. Mrs. or Mi*s. which will not be the 



LETTERS. 8"> 

case if only the initial of the first name is 
signed. An unmarried lady should sign her 
first name and a married lady should prefix 
Mrs. and give her husband's first name as 
Mrs William Jones. A widow while in 
mourning should sign as a married lady, 
but when she leaves off mourning she 
should adopt her maiden name, as Mrs An- 
nie Smith. 

The address upon the envelope is called 
the superscription ; special care should be 
given to the penmanship in the superscrip- 
tion. The letter is only seen by the person 
to whom it is intended, but the superscrip- 
tion may be seen by anybody. Care should 
also be taken that the direction is explicit. 
The name should occupy the center of the 
envelope — both up and down and sidewise; 
it looks extremely awkward if the name is 
too high or too low or if it is cramped to one 
side. 

William Lord, 

No. 312 street, 

Chicago, 

111. 
Never neglect to give a person his proper 
title in the superscription. An unmarried 



86 LETTERS. 

lady's name should be preceded by Miss, a 
married lady and widow's by Mrs., a young 
man's by Master, and a man's by Mr. Me- 
dical men's names should be followed by M, 
D. in which case the Mr. is dropped . Rever- 
end gentlemen are addressed Reverend and 
college professors, Professor. These titles 
are usually retained if the name is followed 
by D. D., LL. D., etc Judges and members of 
Congress have the prefix Honorable, this is 
sometimes given to any one who has hell a 
high position under the government. 

The folding of a letter may seem to be of 
little moment, but you may be assured that 
it will be noticed by a letter writer. If ic is 
a sheet of letter paper lay it before you as it 
was when you began writing, fold it from 
the bottom toward the top so that it shall be 
as wide as the envelope is long, than fold it 
from the left hand side toward the right 
twice. If the paper is as wide as the enve- 
lope is long lay it before you as it was when 
you commenced and fold from the bottom 
toward the top so that it will nicely fit the 
envelope. Never use a single leaf of paper 
in writing a friendly letter or note, even if 
you write but a few lines. 



LETTERS, 87 

Remember that the expressions of friend- 
ship and affection at the beginning and close 
of a letter as your humble servant, your obe- 
dient servant, etc., are merely forms. Do 
not therefore avoid using them on account 
of pride. T have known of persons who 
would not use those quoted above because 
they thought they were too humiliating. 
This is rather a false sense of pride for they 
do not signify what they literally say. 

Pay no attention to an anonymous letter, 
only a coward would write such a letter who 
does not deserve recognition. 

Never give any attention to a letter from 
a stranger soliciting your correspondence. It 
may be some one writing under an assumed 
name and who will do you no good and per- 
haps much harm. 

On the style of the body of a letter T quote 
the followiug from Lord Chesterfield's let- 
ters to his son : "It is of the greatest im- 
portance to write letters well, as this is a ta- 
lent which unavoidably occurs every day of 
one's life, as well in business as in pleasure ; 
and inaccuracies in orthography and style 
are never pardoned. Much depends upon 
the manner in which they are written 



88 LETTERS. 

which ought to be easy and natural, not 
strained or florid. For instance, when you 
are about to send a love letter to a fair 
friend, you most only think of what you 
would say to her if you were both together 
and then write it; that renders the style 
easy and natural ; though some people ima- 
gine the wording of a letter to be a great un- 
dertaking, and think they must write abun- 
dantly better than they talk, which is not at 
all necessary. Style is the dress of the 
thoughts, and let them be ever so just, if 
your style is homely, coarse and vulgar, 
they will appear to as much disadvantage 
and be as ill received as your person, though 
ever so well proportioned, would, if dressed 
in rags, dirt and tatters. It is not every un- 
derstanding that can judge of matter; but 
every one can and does judge, more or less, 
of style ; and were I either to speak or write 
to the public, I should prefer moderate mat- 
ter, adorned with all the beauties and ele- 
gancies of style, to the strongest matter in 
the world, ill-worded and ill-delivered. " 

[For letters of introduction see Introduc- 
tions.] 



CHAPTER XIII. 

frliPt & en tleman must never allow a lady 
MwXk i n the same room or near him to pick 
up a handkerchief, glove, or anything else 
which she may have dropped ; carry a lamp 
or chair or perform any little service which 
he can perform for her. A lady ha« a right 
to expect that a gentleman will do such 
things and so should not be in too great 
haste to do them herself, thus when she 
drops her handkerchief while in the company 
of gentlemen she should let one of them pick 
it up, but she should not neglect to thank 
him= It is poor taste for a gentlercv 



90 GENERAL HINTS. 

make a bow after performing such a service. 

A gentleman always precedes a lady in 
going up stairs, and a lady precedes a gen- 
tleman in going down. 

Always accept an apology offered you. and 
be ready to apologize for any fault you may 
have committed. 

In leaving a friend with whom you are 
walking to speak to another, ask to be ex- 
cused. 

It is very rude to try to attract the atten- 
tion of another by nudging him. 

The only way to overcome diffidence is to 
constantly endeavor to appear free and easy 
and to mingle in company as much as pos- 
sible 

Among friends, presents ought to be made 
of things of small value ; or, if valuable, 
their worth should be derived from the style 
of workmanship, or from some accidental 
circumstance, rather than inherent and 
solid richness. Especially a gentleman 
should never offer a present of great cost to 
a lady; it looks as if he were desirous of 



GENERAL HINTS. 91 

placing her under obligation and of buying 
her good will The gift made by ladies to 
gentlemen should be of the most refined na- 
ture possible ; they should oe little articles 
not purchased but deriving a priceless value 
as being the product of her skill with her 
pencil or her needle. If you make a present, 
and it is praised by the receiver you should 
not yourself commence to undervalue it. If 
one i- offer ed to you, always accept it ; and 
however small it may be, receive it with 
civil and expressed t hanks without any 
kind of affectation. Avoid all such depreca- 
tory phrases, as "I fear I rob you," etc. 
Make presents with as little ceremony as 
possible. If it is a small matter, it should 
not be offered formally but in an indirect 
w T a3^. In making a present of a book it is in 
poor taste to write the name of the one to 
whom you give it "from" so-and-so, but the 
person receiving it should ask the giver to 
write the name in it. 

If while at the house of another and meet 
with the misfortune to break anything do not 
make too elaborate an apology. If you ex- 
hibit too much regret on such occasions it 
would indicate that the loss was of great iin- 



92 GENERAL HINTS 

portance to your entertainer. The master 
and mistress of the house should treat such 
an accident with utter indifference. 

A gentleman in shaking hands with a lady 
whose hand is gloved does not remove his 
glove, but if her hand is uncovered the gen- 
tleman must remove his glove, but if this is 
difficult to do the gloved hand had better be 
presented rather than to make the lady wait. 
In such cases some say " excuse my glove," 
I -think however, that this is immaterial. 

When you have to inconvenience another, 
as by compelling him to rise to allow you to 
pass, do it with a gentle bow and a simple 
"I beg your pardon" or "Excuse me," or 
"Excuse me, I beg." 

When two gentlemen are walking with a 
lady, they should not both go upon the same 
side of her but one should walk on each 
side. 

At a wedding offer best wishes to the bride 
and not congratulations. Congratulations 
are offered to the bridegroom. Speak to the 
bride first then to the bridegroom, 



GENERAL HINTS. 93 

A lady traveling alone may accept the as- 
sistance of a gentleman even if a stranger in 
taking care of her baggage, providing a car- 
nage and a thousand and one other services. 
Often ladies in traveling alone are very 
grateful for little services of this kind. If a 
gentleman is traveling with a lady he should 
attend to checking her baggage, purchasing 
her ticket, carrying her satchel and all other 
service* to relieve her of the responsibility, 
leave her in the waiting room of the depot or 
what is better leave her seated in the cars 
while you are attending to her baggage, etc. 
When you arrive at a hotel leave the lady 
in the parlor while you engage rooms, etc. 

It is very rude for a lady who has received 
an invitation to go to an entertainment or 
an invitation of any kind from a gentleman 
to mention it. The gentleman may wish to 
invite some other lady, and if he has the 
kindness to ask the lady, she certainly 
ought to be considerate enough not to boast 
of having declined it. A real lady will 
never boast of the amount of attention she 
receives from the gentlemen ; to do so 
shows very ill breeding. 



94 GENERAL HINTS. 

7 - '3 

There is nothing that should be kept more 
sacred than a lady's name ; it should never 
be a sociated with anything scandalous, low 
or vilp but should be regarded as an emblem 
of purity and as such should ever be sacred. 
It should never be mentioned in a place 
where she would not go herself; careless- 
ness and thoughtlessness in this regard have 
ruined the prospects of many young girls for 
life. 

A person entering a room is the one to say 
u good morning, good evening, etc.," first 
and a person leaving a room is the one to 
bid the others adieu first. 

The secret of appearing well is to adapt 
yourself to circumstances. 

Never read a newspaper, letter, book or 
anything else in company, though you may 
look at an album or any picture book with 
perfect propriety. It is very rude to read 
and laugh at anything that may please you 
without reading ir to the rest of those 
present. 

Never laugh at the misfortune of another, 
it shows very ill breeding to laugh at a per- 



GENERAL HINTS 95 

son who has fallen or met with any other 
accident. 

It is a very bad habit to be always spitting; 
one thing that condemns the use of tobacco 
is that those who do use it are always spit- 
ting. 

The celebration of weddings anniversar es 
are as follows : 

1st. Paper. 

5th. Wooden. 

10th. Tin. 

15th. Crystal. 

20th. China. 

25th, Silver. 

50th. Golden. 

75th. Diamond. 

Invitations for such gatherings are some- 
what as follows : 

1870—1880 

The pleasure of your company is requested 

at the Tin Wedding of Mr. & Mrs. 

Thursday, Jan 12. 7:30 o'clock. 

Some consider it in poor taste to send in- 
vitations for such an entertainment where 
the guests are expected to bring gifts and 
they put on the invitation "No gifts." 



THE END. 






Deacidified using the Bookkeeper process. 
Neutralizing agent: Magnesium Oxide 
Treatment Date: Dec. 2004 

PreservationTechnologies 

A WORLD LEADER IN PAPER PRESERVATION 

1 1 1 Thomson Park Drive 
Cranberry Township, PA 16066 
(724)779-2111 



.__ 



40 



w 





